| Location | Hampshire |
| Age | 21 years |
| Cause of Death | Suicide |
| Date of Birth | 10/05/1978 |
| Date of Death | 18/04/2000 |
| Visitors | 4,779 since 06/08/2008 |
| Creator | |
| Helpers |
Paul Michael Cowell , My lovely son took his own
life on 18th April 2000 ,22 days before his 22nd birthday after battling a drug problem. He had not
taken any for 6 months before he died but stopping left him with depressions and it was as he
appeared to be coming out of one of these that he took his life on prescription drugs. Paul wasn't a
lad That hung around in groups indeed he was small and looked younger than he was. We moved next
door to a couple with a son and daughter when paul was 8 years old . Paul knew their son since
playschool and he was only 4 months older than paul. They were friends but not best friends. When
they left school there was a leavers party but paul did not go because he was working in a hotel as
he wanted to eventually become a chef. The lad next door was killed that night chased onto a
railway and killed by a train he was only 16. I could not imagine the suffering so I used to go
round and clean there home, shop for them and cut their grass. I also just used to sit with his
mother while she cried. Paul was a sensitive soul and he had never been this close to a terrible
death of one so young and used to go round to see them too. He then began to change and eventually
i found out that the drugs were causing his behaviour and used to tell next door about it . They
just said it was attention seeking but he was so ill . A lot of the young friends used to go next
door and was encouraged by his parents. For 5 years We watched him go down to the depths of
despair and i used to talk to next door about him being so ill then one day paul actually asked me
for help after so long of being turned away from help because it was me that wanted help for him
not him. One day while next door paul came round and later as we left i noticed the mother slip
something in his hand and when we got outside i asked paul to show me what it was and he opened his
hand and laying in his palm were drugs. it was them all the time. they are convicted drug dealers
and No one had ever told me . But I learned this too late to save my son. We miss him , we miss his
lovely sunny smile and his caring ways . David his younger brother was only 15 at the time now has a
beautiful 3 year old daughter Emily who Paul would have loved and been so proud of. David has
struggled so hard with this loss as we all have including his Nan and Grandad who loved him so also
. Paul worked at a fruit farm right up until his death after leaving the catering business .
Sometimes Paul would miss the transport to take him to work and he would walk the 6 miles to get
there , sometimes his suffering was too much and he did not make it that day . His boss was
brilliant and understanding and also in our hearts we knew the drugs has caused so much damage .
paul really tried to make a fresh start . He is with his Great Nan who passed away 19 months before
Paul aged 85 years . She was so understanding about this problem and showed so much love and care
towards him I like to think that they are caring for each other whilst waiting for us. God bless Nan
and thank you xxxxxxxxxxxxx
REFLECTION
Another day for you to wonder,another day for you to mourn
It wasn't my intention to go before the coming dawn
My pain was deep within my heart and troubled head
It wasn't my intention to go without words said.
My frame of mind seemed normal, or so I heard them say
It wasn't my intention not to see another day
I did not mean to make you suffer or cause you so much pain
It wasn't my intention to never see you again.
Despair and confusion left my aching mind unsure
It wasn't my intention to suddenly close life's door
If only I could give you reasons and brush the tears away
It wasn't my intention to leave you and not stay.
I did not mean for you to grieve, now left alone to cry
It wasn't my intention to leave you, forever asking why ?
As the burdens of life's worries slowly ebb from my heart
It wasn't my intention to tear your soul apart.
Y Docherty
***PLEASE READ***
LIN SENDS EVERYONE HER APOLOGIES BUT RIGHT NOW SHE IS HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME.
YOU ARE ALL IN HER THOUGHTS AND SHE WILL BE BACK VERY SOON. THANK YOU. ****
For mum...
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead, learn to live with it one day at a time.
Just for today I will remember my child's life, not his death and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments shared.
Just for today I will forgive all those who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.
Just for today I will smile, no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt for deep in my heart, I know if there was anything in the world I could have done, to save my child from death, I would have done it.
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent for I do know how they feel.
Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving, and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.
Just for today I will not compare myself to others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my child for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting my child by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
Just for today I will honour my child by showing compassion and love to each one I come in contact with, as he spread love wherever he went
Just for today I will seek to live life to its fullest, and in so doing, celebrate the life of my child, and thus, continue to keep his memory alive.
I woke up one morning with a poetry verse in my head. I was dreaming about celebrating my brother, Paige's birthday, who was already residing in heaven. He moved there in 1995, at the young age of 24, after a bought with lung cancer. He didn't smoke. That question always pops into everyone's head. Anyway, I had read the Christmas poem before. I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year.
I think God gave me the same kind of idea but for my brother's birthday. It took me two weeks to finish the poem but here it is:
I love you so much,
Though I'm not on the Earth,
Please celebrate with me,
The day of my birth.
Don't get me a gift,
Just think of me here,
I'm in heaven with Jesus,
Amidst bliss, joy, and good cheer!
Delight in the mem'ries,
Of my love now and then,
'Til that wonderful day,
When I see you again.
Happy Birthday Paul, love to you and mum.
God Bless.
do you know the number
please do you know the number for heaven up above i want to make a call to someone that i love,telephone directories enquiries,oh yes i have tried them all,i even asked the local priest because he talks to god you see i thought he,d have a direct line but he was no help to me,i tried the yellow pages but nothing seem to fit i just want to talk to you for just a little bit, love theresa xxx
To honour you
To honour you, I get up everyday and take a breath
And start another day without you in it.
To honour you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile
and the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge
To honour you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love
I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.
To honour you I listen to music you would have liked
And sing at the tope of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.
To honour you I take chances, say what I feel hold nothing back
Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.
You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source.
So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.
Now I live for both of us, so all I do, I do to honour you.....
Love and God Bless.
Although you cannot see me
Don't believe that I am gone
My spirit still remains
To help you carry on.
Lift your hands to Heaven
And that glimpse of light you see
May be the hope you're seeking
Found inside of me.
A life may wane and wither
And eventually fade from view
The energy transforms to light
Still to be sensed by you.
Don't assume I cannot see you
Just because you can't see me
I'm standing right beside you
Where I always want to be.
Love and God Bless
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰
This special Easter wish
That comes with love to you
Brings warm and heartfelt thanks
For all the thoughtful things you do--
It also comes to let you know
You mean so much more each day
To everyone your lives have touched
In such a loving way.
Happy Easter, Carole, with love xxx
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ⋱♰⋰
.☆ * ☆ * ☆ * ☆ *☆ * ☆ * .☆ * ☆ * ☆ * ☆ *☆ * ☆ *
"Last night while I was trying to sleep,
My son's voice I did hear
I opened my eyes and looked around,
But he did not appear.
He said: "Mum you've got to listen,
You've got to understand
God didn't take me from you, mum
He only took my hand.
When I called out in pain that night,
The instant that I died,
He reached down and took my hand,
And pulled me to His side.
He pulled me up and saved me
From the misery and pain.
My body was hurt so badly inside,
I could never be the same.
My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within,
All the answers to my empty dreams
And all that might have been.
I love you all and miss you so,
And I'll always be nearby.
My body's gone forever,
But my spirit will never die!
And so, you must all go on now,
Live one day at a time.
Just understand-
God did not take me from you,
He only took my hand."
.☆ * ☆ * ☆ * ☆ *☆ * ☆ * .☆ * ☆ * ☆ * ☆ *☆ * ☆ *
~Author Unknown
Happy Valentine's Day xx
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_***__________**____ ______***__
_***________________ ______***__
_***_*TO LET U KNOW I'M*___***__
__***_____*THINKING* _____***___
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____***_____*YOU *____ _***_____
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Love always Carole xxxx
HI PAUL XXX
GOD BLESS YOU PAUL AND SENDING ALL MY LOVE TO YOU MUM AND THINKING OF HER ALLWAYS AND MY HEARTS WITH YOU AND YOUR LOVERLY MUM ALLWAYS GOD BLES SYOU LOEV CAROL XX STEWART MUM XXX
GOD BLESS YOU PAULXXX
HI PAUL X
SORRY IV NOY BEEN ON AND SENT ANY MESSAGES ARE LIGHT A CANDEL BUT ITS BEEN REAL HARED FOR BE BEHONEST IM MISSING MY STEWART SO MUCH AND THINGS ARE NOT GD HERE JUST SO HARED GET THOUGH LIFE WITH OUT HIM SENDING MY LOVE TO YOU MUM TO AS IV NOT SENT HER AMESSAGE FOR ALONG TIME TO BUT SHE STILL IN MY HEART AND MIND THINKING OF YOU AND HER ALLWAYS GOD BLESS YOU LOVE CAROL STEWART MUM XXXX
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